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by Azaria, graduating in '21
I feel the need to be completely honest about an issue. It is well-known that there are certain overwhelming pressures that have been forced upon my generation of Asian Americans, but this problem goes deeper than wanting the best out of our youth. To excel in all aspects is a straightforward request, but the inadequate parent-child relationships are a whole other and, frankly, more crucial matter. Without an immediate redress, my future, yours, and those of millions of other first-generation Asian Americans will be gradually pushed down a dark road. The slippery slope down to a permanent location of chaos and coldness is marked by gradual boundaries crossed: the expectation of perfection in academics, sports, music, economic status, career choice, family, and numerous other factors. Add in the oppressive cultural values and the average parent-child relationship is bound to end in chaos in the next ten years.
Let me be clear, I love you, dad, and Auggie deeply, but there are simply problems that I yearn to see eradicated before the dilemma becomes permanent. Down the line, no regret will be as great and tormenting as the idea that I could have addressed these issues beforehand. Rather, a rude awakening is a necessity and initiates an optimistic outlook. The first of the two equally towering issues is the overpowering expectation of incredible academic performance. It is ordinary for a parent to desire their child to excel in school. The limited time spent learning should be harnessed to its full potential and used to shape a child to become an educated citizen of the world. But when school becomes an unhealthy obsession, it grows into a drug that overpowers a child into perpetual mental instability and emotional insecurity. With neither a stable home nor encouraging parents, the common Asian American child is left without a foundation to cling to, thrashing wildly and helplessly in the merciless world when their academic performance is below average. More importantly, the life-changing witness of disappointment transitions the child into a mindless machine whose only duty is to study and bring perfect scores home. While this conversion may seem like a stretch and even a tad absurd, it would surprise anyone that these things are reality for an unlucky group. The reasons why this danger has not been effectively communicated is because they have been overshadowed by the other problems society faces and the silenced nature of Asian culture.
The other main point of concern involves a matter that hits closer to home. From what I have noted from our dinners and interactions with other Asian families, success in life comes first. Naturally, selfishness and conceit are the side effects of such a dangerous wish. Success is a vague term, but I would assume you know exactly what this entails: money, a family, a lucrative job, and a comfortable life. However, the cultural values and moral mindset which accompany this pressure are rather contradictory. How can a child succeed and become a leader in the world when their voices are silenced at home? If parents make all the decisions independently, how can children learn to be decisive in their future options? The Asian culture does not allow room for a democratic relationship between parent and child. Because of this kind of relationship, children are expected to bend to cultural values and allow their parents to decide the path of their lives, stripping away decision-making skills and independence. In fact, children are treated as investments and money spent on extracurriculars and school is expected to return eventually. This flawed system has mass-produced a generation of helpless and incapable adults in the workplace.
I still remember that last year, in my semester of English, I received a B. Fearing the sight of disappointment, I kept this grade to myself and tried harder to bring it up. But when I thought more deeply over this issue, my reluctance to show you a perfectly fine grade, I was starting to wonder if we were like all those other Asian families. You know, the ones that all Asian American movies are centered around and the ones we call our friends. The problem wasn’t simply being afraid of being scolded; it was that I had begun to feel reluctant to tell my parents simple and insignificant matters. Instead of seeking comfort from my parents, I stifled my distress from visibility and struggled for several months. My reluctance to tell you anything was a long-drawn effect of harsh discipline and your culturally-influenced beliefs that every statistic from school is to be taken seriously. When I began to question the need to open up or address the issue out of fear, I saw it as a sign that somehow our parent-child relationship had been broken. Of course, it is not because I doubt your love for me but rather the contradictions in this display of affection. For example, I have accepted that the words “I love you” will not be commonly used around the house. Instead, I have learned to see your love through the food you cook and thought you put into me. For now, the problem of communication hesitation has not caused any threatening red flags, but it would be beyond hurtful if it were to grow into a complete loss of our mother-daughter relationship.
Of course, it is never too late to address an issue and the resolution to ours will come gradually as time passes and efforts are made in that direction. For example, the occasional pep talk after a bad test grade would be preferable for both of us instead of being cold and upset. Allowing us to have some time to relax after a few hard hours of work is not a waste of time. Also, sometimes a good morning text is more pleasant than “Do well on your English test.” These actions seem insignificant but are insurmountable in value. Besides a relief from academic pressures, some cultural values can be correctly adjusted. Instead of the absolute dominion of mother over child, listening to my perspective is valuable to both of us. Even if it does not affect your final decision, it is relieving to both of us that another opinion has been consulted. The traditional approach that the views of children are narrow and immature is surprisingly inaccurate. In fact, an application of this belief will lead to problems in adulthood. All I’m asking for is a rejection from participating in one-sided consideration and the possibility that your children may present helpful assessments as well. Eventually, the benefits of this change will prove to be invaluable as the precious bonds of mother and daughter are restored.
Your daughter,
Azaria