_edited.png)
by Megan Apostol, Canyon Crest Academy '23
July 22, 2020
Untitled artwork by Amy Ge, Torrey Pines High School '22
CW: Brief mentions of gun violence
Question Marks: used to express uncertainty I fell in love. Not sure how. Or when. But, I can still see her. I smelled the peach shampoo in her hair, thinning locks of golden brown. I felt her buttery soft skin, but never did touch her. I felt her by the definition of her curves. I felt her by the sweet wafting scent, drifting from a bakery window. She was like cake. A soft and fluffy cake. I did not know how to tell her. Back then. Should I know? Should I now? Should I just tell her? How? And if I make a mistake, would I still be invited into her bakery? Time is ticking, I should decide. Quotation marks: used to label a dialogue
Untitled artwork by Amy Ge, Torrey Pines High School '22
I was told that when you text your crush, your best friend always texts on your behalf. I am not sure why. It is just the code. I have never texted or talked to her. Ever. And I do not plan to. I guess I am afraid of mistakes. I am afraid of her tears swirling into the frosting, making the cake soggy. But, sometimes I play make-believe. Alone. Usually in my room. I think about what it would be like to text her, with my friends. Telling my friends what she said, and asking how I should respond. My only messages, quotes of her replies. And every time I daydream, I can nearly taste her. How sweet it would be to use quotations. It is something I have never done. Exclamation marks: used to indicate surprise To be honest, I play make-believe quite often. Especially with her. Sometimes I kiss her and feel the shivers down her spine. And feel them down mine too. I wonder if one day, I could feel the goosebumps on our skin and the quivering of her spine after I draw her in. People at school say I am socially awkward. Maybe that is why God never sends me pleasant surprises. Maybe he is alarmed by my thoughts. Annoyed by the same prayers I have made for the last six years. Comma: used to pause, breath Last year, my friend asked his crush out. I remember him, breathing hard. And before she answered, she breathed hard. With each breath, I felt the world standing still, and all I could see was them. They looked as old as a polaroid picture together. I remember, as I stood watching them, I felt myself breathe, too. Seeing their fairytale unfold before me, I could feel the breathing of the Earth in sync with mine. I felt its heart beating next to mine. I felt the Earth’s rapture, but a void was tucked deep inside someone’s heart right beside it. She was right next to me, but she was not. She belonged to me, but did not truly belong to me. I am sure the Earth can relate. Semicolon: used to connect two relating ideas I love myself? I hate my face; they hate my face. I hate my clothes; they hate my clothes. I am ugly; they think I am ugly. That is how life has been. I love her; they love her. Everyone does. But semicolons do not exist in terms of ‘liking me back.’ I mean, let’s be real here. I am too “ugly,” “stupid,” “boring,” and “weird.” And please, notice the quotes for God’s sake. Parentheses: used to label afterthoughts and side notes She looks at me. (Are there crumbs on my face?) She walks by me. (Do I smell bad?) She is giggling across the room. (What did I do?) My mind whirls. I can feel my insecurities weighing me down, getting heavier with each glance, step, and laugh. Apostrophe: used to indicate possession You’re mine. Only when I close my eyes, you’re mine. Space: used for distance between words You I, an oblivious example. Well, technically it is You and I. But, closer is better. That is why I kinda hate grammar, in a sense that it is so broken and takes after the world too much. Period: used to mark a complete stop Six years ago, I fell for her. Five months ago, she gave the last chunk of hair to her pillow and stopped coming to school. Four weeks ago, I told her how much I really loved her. Three hours ago, she loved me back. Two minutes ago, I found myself holding her hand, telling her everything would be alright. One second ago, I started to cry. Colon: commonly used for definitions To me, She: Everything. Everything less and everything more. The rain and the rainbow. The winter and the summer. My tears and my smile. The one who healed my heart and the one who broke it. Sadness and happiness. Death and life. Everything. Maybe to you, She: A pronoun for the feminine gender. Hyphen: join things of the same related meaning that add to each other You-me Ellipsis: to put in place of missing words “I miss …” I run off the stage, a wave of tears crashing against my face. Death drives me to my knees, rips my ankles into the ground, takes the gun I have been hiding from my pocket and shoots me. Like I wanted, six years ago. I wish love was a runoff sentence, running upward to heaven. As the blood shot out of me, I felt as helpless as I did six years ago when I saw … I felt as helpless as another one of love’s victims. I felt as helpless as cake with melted frosting. I felt as helpless as the world, dying in the fate of grammar. I felt helpless as my pulse stopped. I imagined too much; no wonder I have a D in English.